I arrive at the scene, unaware of myself and my surroundings.  I’m looking at myself, in my in mind,  using my internal mirror.  I see my flaws, faults and shortcomings.  I see the anguish I’ve caused, the hurt and sorrow.  I’m sure that others can see this as well.  My biceps, formed and slightly muscular are flawed by tan lines, and scars, half of which are self inflicted.  I’m told I’m attractive, hot, good looking and all that, but I don’t believe it.

I’m trying to make something of myself, do something positive for me with my life, and do what I can to make my footprint upon this world, if I can’t bring it under the heel of my boot.  I also want to meet as many people as I can.  Ideally, these people will bring a positive influence to me, and I can learn something from them.  Or, I can use them to better myself.  Selfish of me to do this I know, but I must better myself.  And the best way to do that, in my opinion, is to be adaptable, and survive any and all situations.

What expectations do I have of me?  Perfection, and nothing less.  These people that stand before me, are simply people.  They’re new to me, and I’m new to them.  “How can I set myself apart from the crowd?  Do things just a little bit more different?”  I ask myself.    I observe the scene.  People mingling with each other, taking no notice of me.  I’m both relieved, and insulted.  My face flushes with a feeling of warmth, and my ears pound with blood running through my head.  I check an exclamation, calm myself down quickly, and breathe the breath that I didn’t realize that I was holding.  The rush of air feels good in my lungs, my head clears, and I study the scene quickly.

As I walk whatever path I’m on, I realize that this is my coming of age.  My rite of passage.  The choices I make will mark me, my actions and stances in reponse to the choices I make, and their associated consequences will define me.  But it is what is inside me, that’s what people will use as a base to judge me, and what I will hold myself accountable to.    This rite of passage, this path of growth that I’m walking has been shaky, testy, untried and untested.  How do I know it’s true? I don’t.  I can only feel the ground below me, and put one foot in front of the other as I walk this path.  I hear two questions being yelled at me from all around:  “WHO ARE YOU!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!” 

As I walk, for each step I take is representative of the passage of a day, I keep my mouth shut, letting my silence be my answer, for in truth, I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know what I want.  So I search myself as I walk, look at the world around me, and take in my surroundings, being as quiet as possible.  Yes, as much as I want to be liked and known, I act as though I want to be hidden from the world.  Left to my own devices so I can watch the world, and not interact with it.  “WHO ARE YOU!?!  WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!” is still asked.  The questions, though being yelled, are not a demand.  They’re objective questions, with the aim of self improvement. 

I want a relationship.  But am I ready for one?  I’m living with family, a full time student with a full time job.  Logically, I’m not ready.  Internally, I’m tired of walking alone.  I have friends, but among these people, there’s only one who can handle me.  I’ve met many people, bedded a few women, but I know that they’re not the one for me.  One uses me as a pasttime.  I accept it.  It was fun, but she wasn’t for me.  The one that is out there, her name is on my tongue.  I ache to speak it, but I know it would not do any good, for logically, I am not ready.

For now, I leave the questions unanswered, watching the world as I walk my way.  I’m learning what I need to learn, what I can learn.  Bettering myself has consequences.  I know this, and I accept them.  I welcome them, for the consequences are simply challenges and obstacles.  Challenges and obstacles can be overcome with ingenuity, creativitity, determination, patience and persistance.  I’ve found this out myself, and I get a sense of satisfaction for overcoming the challenges that block my way. 

I’m trying to find my way, and though I may be quiet and let my silence answer the questions being yelled at me, I can walk in confidence, knowing that when I do decide to answer, I will be heard, and though the questions will not cease, instead they will be change to different questions, I have the confidence and knowledge that I have the strength, endurance and willpower to walk my path.

As is the case, a bear who is beginning to walk with tiger, had to work during the day. This newfound Tiger Cub had come down with the seasonal allergies, yet was still being more productive than the average healthy person, as is expected of both bear, and tiger. After the work day was done, the tiger cub had been approached by a kitty, a leopard in fact, about a party that was being held at a pony’s stable. Two predatory animals at a prey’s stable? Is this wise?

When the tiger cub met the leopard at her den, she had pulled into the parking lot at the same time, so there was hugs and face rubbing involved, as is normal greeting. After the pair left, with tiger cub leading the way, they went to a local grocery store. Tiger cub was feeling a bit cub like and decided to partake in several folk dances while his iPod was playing. The robot, lawn mower, macarana and break dancing was done to the melodies of Guns N’ Roses “Sympathy for the Devil”, Rammstein’s “Morgenstern” and SoiL’s “Redefine.” Much to the amusement and embarrassment of the leopard that followed.

The two pantheras went to the grocery store to pick up some paw food for the other party attendees that would be there. After they left the store, tiger cub got some dead cow, or what he hopes is dead cow, from the local Donald’s of Mac. After scarfing the beef, or makeshift beef down, the pair made it to the pony’s and his rider’s stable.

There they were greeted by the pony’s rider, the pony, their well acquainted cave lion friend, and another well acquainted dragon friend. The cave lion’s partner, a bear, hadn’t made it from a previous dinner engagement yet, but was due shortly. Some other guests showed up, two of note are a pair of mutts. Amusing critters these mutts were, though they didn’t quite think they knew what to make of the tiger cub.

With their bellies full of good fixin’s, better foodz, and excellent eatin’s, a few of the guests left, leaving the pony and his rider, a cave lion and her bear partner, the dragon and the two pantheras in the stable. The pony’s rider showed off his little panic room, which is quite comfy by the way, and a little challenge was placed between the tiger cub and the dragon: to see who could get undressed quicker. The tiger cub won that challenge paws down.

As the night wore on however, as the tiger cub and the dragon were conversing, a challenge was interepreted by the leopard and proposed to the cave lion: Who was stronger than the other: Tiger or Dragon?

Cave Lion and Dragon were in favor of this challenge. The tiger cub however was not feeling very bottomy and still in top mode from the previous play time with the leopard, from the night before. Where she was given the flavor of fried chickin on her ass.

The tiger cub and the leopard went onto play with each other, yet again. It started out with biting the leopard’s back and neck, then turned to spanking, light flogging with a heavier flogger, and the use of a dragon tongue on the leopard’s back. Meanwhile the cave lion was using her own whip on the pony’s ass, as well as using an evil stick upon the dragon’s body. The leopard and the tiger went upstairs to the pony’s dungeon, where they made use of the well crafted cross.

Once again, the leopard’s floggers were used, as well as the cave lion’s dragon tongue. After the two cats were done playing, the cave lion and the pony had their fun. The pony is a tough pony. After the cave lion was done with the pony, she put her bear in a bondage chair and used the evil stick on him. Much amusement was had as the bear did everything he could to avoid having the evil stick being used on his cock. Instead, the cave lion used a cane.

After this one, the cave lion decided to see how tough the dragon was, and true to form, the dragon was proven to be tougher than the tiger. The tiger however, got hold of some really dangerous clamps, which were promptly applied to his nipples. After his nipples felt like they were torn off, the clover clamps were applied, then taken off after a few seconds. Yes, the tiger is weak.

Afterwards, the two pantheras left the pony’s stable, with the tiger leading the way again, and went back to the leopard’s den, for snuggles and giggles. Kinky New Year everybody.

I had a cutting on my lower back, of a crazy yin yang. Now I’ve decided to get another one. I want it to be deep, painful, long and drop dead-fucking-gorgeous. I want the viewer to say “Damn, I’m not into cuttings, but damn! That looks good! Makes me want to get one!”

So this new cutting, is more or less a scene in and of itself. My last cutting was done by a dominant I trust, and I was thinking about asking her to do the cutting. Ok, now the cutting last time, hurt like hell. LIKE HELL! And it was awesome. FUCKING AWESOME!!! I had a good set of endorphins going, loud music in the background, flying high as a kite, and enough pain to fill a fucking dinner table, and enough for dessert!

Now for this cutting, I want it in the form of two roses. Both roses are the same, but laid out differently. One rose has the buds over my heart, and the other is on my upper back, behind my heart. The stems run up my body and over my shoulder, and end an inch away from the bud. -nods- Yup. It’ll hurt like hell, I know, but it’ll look so fucking cool!

When I get the design done, I’ll post it, and when the cutting is done, it is so poste.d

I stuck with the heavy flogging and the paddle for a few minutes. I did a riding crop trick with the paddle, hitting the inner thighs. That was a bit awkward for me, so I’m going to be investing in a riding crop in the future. Easier to use. So I uses the paddle and the flogger on her pretty damn hard, and end up leaving bruises that last to this day. Woohoo! Giant bruise. Takes up her entire right ass cheek. I’m proud of myself. -pats self on back-

After this, I pull her into the kitchen, and have her lean against the sink, her hands above her head, resting against the overhead cabinets. She spread her legs, as far as the chains on her ankles would allow. Long chain, so her legs were spread apart. I put the heavy flogger down, and grabbed my small flogger, and her small flogger. I started flogging her tits with them. Gripping the nipples and pulling them hard. She’s equipped with really sensitive nipples, and blessed to take a lot of punishment on them.

I alternate between flogging her tits and her girly bits. She informs me that I’ve hit her clitoris twice, at least. Her legs started cramping so I have her readjust, and then flog her again for thirty more seconds before she starts cramping again. After that cramping, I end the scene. I take off the cuffs, and lead her back to her love seat. I set her down, put a blanket around her, and sit beside her. We talk softly, about the scene, and whatnot.

We figger out that the tears are from being mentally overwhelmed. She’s been going through a lot of family issues, work stress, and not being able to stop me from biting her just emphasized a feeling of helplessness in her. So why did I do that? Because I wanted to push boundaries, and with sincerity, she told me she was all right, and that the tears were nothing negative. There’s kisses and hugs involved, and cuddling.

I gets her some water, me some soda, and we just continue to talk. She tells me more than she normally would when she’s got a good set of endorphins going. There were tears still, and wiping them away. There were a few sniffles, and I think I got her to blow her nose.

Since she told me she needed to be a bottom, and she told me what she got out of the scene, I inform her that the entire play time was enjoyable. We had no idea that an hour, at max, had passed. But what I got out of the scene is re-enforcement of the trust and respect between she and I. It’s not about the control, who’s topping / bottoming, what roles we assumed, not even the type of play that we engaged in.

It was just emphasizing the trust and respect that the both of us share, that’s what made the play time most enjoyable. To me. She complains to me that I tease her, and don’t give enough time for after care. How about now panthera?

She makes toys. A lot of toys. Floggers and cat o’ nine tails mainly. They’re all nicely crafted. Secure, comfortable, weighty, and awesome. She makes them out of her rope. She’s made a flogger that is a melee weapon, deadlier than a flail, and we all called the “CK Deterrent.” The deterrent had a total length of four feet, made of 5/8 rope, and tipped with tool dye. I LOVE IT!!!!!! It had the potency to draw blood, and to the unskilled user, it was a burdensome weapon. I LOVE IT!!!!! Yet, SC had to speak up about the safety factor, and since then the deterrent had been modified to a safer version. I am sad.

Oh well. So we both agreed that flogging was in order. Now I like to get a bit creative, and playful. With her hands either chained behind her back, or attached to her collar, I have her pick out the floggers she wants to use . . . with her nose. That’s right, she gets on her knees, and looks at the floggers that are on display before her.

“Can I just point to the general area with my nose?” she asks. We both get a laugh out of it, and I respond with “No. I want you to pick out the ones you want, with your nose. Point to it specifically.” She picks them out with her nose, actually touching the toy with her nose. As she did this, she had to call me an asshole. I laughed as she called me such names. After her toys were picked out, I begin biting her. Harder than I normally do. As usual, she goes weak kneed, so I hold her. She normally resists, but with her hands restrained, she was rendered helpless. So she could only stand there and take the bites.

After a few minutes of the biting, I listen to her breathing, which really feeds the animal in me. I don’t hear her breathing, so I looks at her concerned, and I notice her eyes are wet. She’s been crying as she’s been trying to resist. Nurture mode kicked in, so I looks at her, wipes her tears, and we converse as to what’s going on. With kisses and hugs, wiping of the tears, she informs me that she’s good to go, and that the tears are nothing negative. She sticks to this arguement with genuine sincerity, so I believes her. And go back to biting her, for a few more minutes. Again, harder than normal biting.

More tears, so there’s more talking. Nothing negative, just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was done with biting anyway, so I removes her hands from the collar. I then chains them behind her back. I have twist locking clamps, and double end snap hooks. The snap hooks can be removed by the person wearing them, if they fidget enough. I like them for their simplicity, functionality, and safety.

I then have her lay on the ground, and begin flogging her with her soft flogger, and work up to the cat o nine tails, and the heavy floggers. (I had flogged her previously on her love seat prior to cuffing her. I didn’t plan the scene, I went with the flow.) I had flogged her back pretty roughly in the past, so I wanted to expand, and I flogged her ass. I didn’t take it easy for her warm up, and I didn’t take it easy on her with her during the flogging.

Because I couldn’t really get a good swing with her floggers, I escorted her to the side of her love seat, and had her bend over it, supporting herself by her chest. I didn’t remove her hands from her back, and I also had her spread her legs wide. I had a good view.

When she was in this position, I began whailing on her ass, with her heavy floggers. I don’t quite remember what was said, but she gave me a smart ass comment, twice. I didn’t quite agree with it, so I told her that I would whack her especially hard, five times. And I wanted her to count them out. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any meaner . . . the girl counted, both times. And they were good, solid hits. After the flogger, I went to her paddle. Her paddle is a wooden cutting board. Lightweight, good control, a bit of an awkward feel, but wieldy. Has a real smooth flat surface, and produced a nice smacking sound as the wood kissed bare ass cheeks. (I guess this is a bad time to mention that I also spanked her ass hard in the beginning?)

To be concluded . . .

She had told me several times earlier, that she wanted, no, needed to play. So after making arrangements to stay over at her place, I inform her that she and I have a scene. Then add in “if it’s all right with you.” (Yeah, I inform first, ask second.) She says cool, and we enter small negotiations, as to what stuff she wants to try. She’s got a list of stuff she wants to try, yet she’s not sure if she wants to do it.

So I just leaves it there Monday night. Tuesday comes around, and I’m asking her throughout the day if there’s anything specific she wants to do. Again, she’s unsure. So we make arrangements for dinner, and agree that pizza should be ordered, and since I was staying the night anway, we finish watching the first book of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Awesome stuff by the way.

After the movie, she begins checking her stuff online, and I’m distracting her by biting, pinching, poking and just being a general pest. “Brat” as she calls it. Finally she’s done, and I asks her one last time, what she wants to do. Again, she doesn’t really have an answer. So I inform her that I want to push some boundaries. I helps her up, and begin rummaging through her toy bag. I pull out her collar and ask if she’s comfortable wearing it. The only time she’s worn it is for decoration, and never used it. Her collar is black leather, and has five rings around the front of it.

After I put it on, I check in with her and make sure she’s all right. She knew that if she wanted it off, she’d have to tell me that she wants it off, and ask me to take it off, and I’ll take it off. I did that because I wanted to push her boundaries in her bottomy or subby role. I wanted to push myself in a toppy / domme role also. I also informed her that if she needed the collar off, she could take it off herself. Read “Needed” as in “extreme emergency.”

After checking to see if she’s all right, I position her on her love seat that faces the counter. The back of the seat is against the counter, which is nice. I can pull my gear out, lay it on the counter in front of her, and apply it when I want, and it’s in a central location. After this, I pull out my wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, her clover clamps, my bit gag, and four locks. She had expressed interest in having the cuffs locked, so I obliged. I put the cuffs on her, and lock them. I do this in front of her so she knows what’s going on, and what I’m going to do next.

I’m still trying my skills as a top and I know how I want to be handled with someone new, so before I remove anyone else’s sense of sight, I’m wanting to build up the trust first. I like trust in this dynamic. Trust is vital with me. I don’t give a flying rat’s ass if I respect a person in this dynamic. If I don’t have a sense of trust, I am not going to be playing with anyone. Both as a top and / or bottom. And Panthera appreciates and respects this. I’m probably moving slow for her tastes when it comes to bondage gear, but I’ve learned you can never be too careful.

So after the cuffs are locked, I pull out a few chains and connect the ankle cuffs together, and connect the wrist cuffs to her collar. The only time she’s been restrained is with the restraint system, so this is entirely new. Rather than break out a copied line to help her calm down, I looks her in the eyes and talk softly to her, making sure she’s cool with this. I know she can’t get out of that on her own.

After the ankle cuffs are connected with the longest chain that I have, I have her take a few steps back and forth, checking her range of movement. I’m close by, so if she stumbles, I’m there. I’m also strong enough to hold her if necessary. After she proved that she could move without problem, I nod my approval and again, check with her to see if she’s all right.

I put the bit gag in her mouth and again, I stress that if she wants it out, she has to tell me and ask me to take it out. If it’s an emergency, she can take it out herself, but I’d prefer it she asked. The gag was triggering her gag reflex, so I took it out completely, rather than loosen it. I took it out for safety reasons. We were doing stuff that she wasn’t quite comfortable with, so I’d rather have her mind focused on what was going on with her, rather than being distracted. To be continued . . .

Her review of the Under the Bed Restraint System was nice, but I want to give more detail than that. So I asks if she’s cool with me posting that session, and getting her calmed down, damn the woman worries alot, she agreed with it.

It started around 1000 hours (10:00 am EST) that day. I was at work doing something other than work at the time, I think, and I gets a text from her asking if I would like to help her do the review of the restraints. I volunteered before she got them to help review them, and until then, I hadn’t delivered. So I says sure, and she responds with “be creative.”

Those two words challenged me. Struck a nerve which made me think to meself “Be creative? Hrmmm. Ok, a cat wants to challenge a bear? Fine.” And like I normally do, I didn’t really think about it until I got there. After work, I showed up at her place, torn pants, torn work shirt, hoodie unzipped and looking like I just got out of work. I walks in and she gets out of the shower and responds “give me a minute.” Cause she’s getting dressed.

We had dinner, I think it was fish, and we watched a bit of TV. I was starting to fall asleep, and I think she took notice of it, as I’m really that damn easy to read, and responds with “I think you should tie me up now.” Just as I was starting to doze off! I think I glared at her out of the corner of me eye, and said “fine.”

As you know, the restraints come with their own velcro cuffs. Velcro won’t hold me, so she changed them out with her own cuffs. She’s such a good girl sometimes. She also used the twist connector clamps to attach the cuffs. As having used the restraint system before, I chastized her about her poor choice. I go for a slight amount of safety, just in case. I takes her of shirt, cuffs her in, and adjust them accordingly. After checking her fingers, and having her pull on them, I was half inclined to leave her there, and play a Gerald’s game. Be creative.

But I didn’t. Instead, after she was secured, I quoted the line from the BDSM turkey vid “Do you know why you’re here?” I even did the eyebrow thing. Major laughing moment, for both of us. It helped her relax, and helped me ease up, and slip into toppy mode, which is more sadistic than I thought. Right off the bat, I tickle her feet. She laugheded, squirmed and tried to get away. It was funny. For me. After thirty seconds, I got an idea. A devilish idea. An evil idea. So I got up and went into the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, I opened the door and closed it. I stood still and made no sound for a few minutes. I’m sure she was sweating it.

After a few minutes, I started rummaging through her stuff, at which time she said that her nose was itching. I sighed, chuckled, and still rummaged through her stuff. More complaining. You know, if she wants my help, she’s gonna have to wait sometimes. -hugs Panthera- I didn’t mean that.

But I went back into her room with the bandito and her clover clamps. I also scratched her nose, until it no longer itched, which caused her to do some growling and squirming. Lovely, really funny sounds. Specially when she’s trying to move her head away, and I’m just following along. I put the bandito on her belly, and proceed to bite her. Now, I have a bite like a pitbull. I know, I’ve been able to bruise biceps from where I’ve bitten myself. I’m a masochist, and I like to see how hard I can take being bitten! It’s a wonder I haven’t drawn blood from myself.

Two bites on her belly, a number of bites on both of her thighs, and bites on her chest and shoulder / neck area. -sings- Beautiful marks, I admire thee. . . Ahem. I reach over her and begin rummaging through her night stand. She tries looking over my shoulder, and asks “what are you doing?”

“I’m going through your stuff.” I respond.

“I see that, but why?”

“Because, I want to. Duh. Ah, found it.” I pulls out the hitachi. Love this thing. It does what I can’t, which is awesome. She quiets down and she figgers out what I’m going to do with it, since the bandito is on her belly.

Yes, I used both on her. No, I didn’t use lube. Yes, I was being mean. Yes, it was fun. No, the lube wasn’t necessary, since she really, really, really, really enjoys being bitten. After fifteen minutes, I stop and go back to her kitchen. I come back in with another dildo and a container of lube. I lay the clovers under her tits, still on her belly, and I begin to tweak her nipples. After a few minutes, I show her the clovers, which cause her to whimper. I love it when she makes noises. I tweaks her nipples more, rougher this time, and pinch each one. As I pinch the nipple, I put the clamp on. I pull the clamp a bit, then do the same to the other nipple. I tug on the chain, which causes the clamps to tighten up. I tells her to open her mouth, and shen she does, I put the chain in her mouth, and tell her to bite. And she complies.

I flick each nipple a few times, and go back to the bandito and hitachi, building up to the other dildo. After a few minutes, when she thinks she’s in sensory overload, I tells her to open her eyes She sees the other dildo, and I says “you know where it’s going?”

She and I had talked about anal before, and she’s still new at it. And this is certainly not the toy for anal. I know that, but I’m having too much fun. I put a little bit of lube on it, and she instructs me to put more lube on. “You can never have enough lube.” Now I wasn’t going to use it, but when she said that, I gave in, and put a copious amount of lube on it. She went silent and still. I put the dildo right at her ass hole and turn it on. I push it in and just leave the tip in. I go back to fucking her with the bandito and the hitachi, really digging the noises she’s making.

Close to the end, I pull the bandito out and hold it over her mouth. “Lick it” I say, and she does. After a few licks, I push it in her mouth, and she gives it a blowjob. That was awesome to watch. I remember pulling it out and her licking it still. That was enjoyable to watch. After I set the bandito aside, I pull the other dildo away from her anus, as well as the hitachi. Unfortunately, I forgot about the clovers.

She wore them for fifteen minutes. No breaks, and she was holding the chain in her mouth, and tugging on it. I take them off, and she has tears in her eyes. I do what I can to ease the pain, pinching the nipple so that the blood flow is controlled. When I left, she was all sorts of horny. So I challenge her and tell her to use the hitachi on herself, over the phone. It took two minutes, before she was cumming. She said it would be quick, and it was. But it was majorly enjoyable.

Wanna play again Panthera?

There are many purposes and uses for meditation, but the most common purposes that I use meditation are: Balancing myself out, and focus. Meditation is different for everybody, and as a result, there is no “right way” nor “best way” to meditate.

For me though, I meditate using five elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit. On the ground or floor, I lay down, with a lit candle, small bowl of water, a small handful of earth, and on my forehead, I have a small dab of my blood. (I cause myself injury, nothing serious, to get the blood).

Blood on my forehead, fire on my right, water on my left, earth at my feet, and I focus only on my breathing for ten to fifteen minutes, before I do anything. It is important to always focus on your breathing throughout the session, for your breathing will save your life, and keep you grounded.

The proper breathing I’ve found to do is to inhale deeply through the nose. I hold my breath for five seconds, and exhale slowly, very shallow. This breathing will get you lightheaded, and do this for roughly eight breaths. Then I exhale as deeply as I’m inhaling, releasing all breath from my lungs, my blood, my body, spirit, and when I have nothing left, I hold it for ten seconds. I do this variation roughly eight times.
Then as I’m inhaling deeply, I notice that my nose is cold, my sinuses gone, and I’m breathing clearly. I increase the holding my breath after the inhale to ten seconds to match the exhale. And again, I do this breathing for roughly eight breaths. Then I inhale shallowly and very lightly and hold my breath for five seconds, so that my breathing is reversed from the original starting point.

This breathing technique is symbolic of the Conflict of the Universe, the yin yang. I also have put myself into a trance, and am very light headed after doing this. I then proceed to still myself. If I am shivering, I draw the heat from the fire and warm myself. If I am hot, I draw the essence of the water to cool down. If I am in need of grounding, I have the earth at my feet. If I need freedom, the air is around me to cut the chains that bind me. This is also another bulk of the meditation for me, it’s how I gain my focus. And throughout, my breathing is either even and shallow, or even and deep. My physical eyes are closed, while my mind’s eye is open.

After this, I still myself. I draw the essence of the water, and wash it over me, soothing the inner turmoil. I do this several times. After my energy is through drenched, I start at the top of my head and push the inner turmoil down to my feet. I don’t really push it, as opposed to focus it down to my feet. I don’t force myself to it. One can force their own energy, but in order to be at balance with oneself, one can’t simply force the process. Once the top of my head is clear, I work my way down my head, down into my face, I push excess energy through my ears and nose, and just work my way down to my feet. My arms, I push the energy through the fingers and into the ground that is at their tips.

Again, I’m gently pushing, gently prodding, guiding my energy to go where I want it to go. After the chaotic energy is out of me, I steel myself, starting at my feet. I mentally tell myself that my feet are heavy, as if they are steel, made of steel, born in steel. The steel then turns to iron, and I bring that to all of myself. Needless to say, I feel I’m quite heavy. After all of this, I am still.

After I have stilled myself (calmed the inner chaos that is my spirit to be peace), I am ready to begin the other tasks that I may need to do. I’m still light headed, and at peace at the end of my tasks, and need to be brought out. Hypnotists tell their, and I’m loathe to say this, subjects to “wake up” on the count of three and they feel refreshed. Not me, and especially not with this meditation. Because I have brought inner peace within myself, I want to preserve it, and not disturb the balance.

So I don’t tell myself to “wake up,” and I don’t just open my eyes. Please. Opening the eyes straight is dangerous after this, or for me it is. I turn the iron to steel, to rock, no different from the earth that is at my feet. I draw the essence of the water one last time to turn the rock to mud. I draw the fire one last time, and use it to dry the mud, into a cake. I use the air to blow over the cake, cooling it to the touch. I draw the blood that is on my head, usually dry at this point, and rub what I can over the caked mud, so that I am putting myself back into myself.

After this, I focus on my breathing. If I’m breathing deeply, I begin to lighten my breathing to a more shallow breath. If I’m breathing shallow, I begin to deepen my breath. Either way, I hold my inhales and exhales both for five seconds. And I do this for no more than two minutes. After two minutes, I open my eyes, and stay still. I stay still because I’m too light headed to move, and I’m still waking up from the session.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling reflective, I’ll write my experience down and review it later.

I want perfection from myself.  Professionally, I’m attending school for a computer engineering degree.  Do I want a 4.0 GPA? Yes.  Do I want to have the better understanding of the subject, even though I may not have a perfect score?  More so.  After this area, I’m split several ways:  Expand my schooling and get a degree in robotics, or expand into cybernetics;  go for a “meh” certificate in massage therapy and school for physical therapy?

Yeah, running across the board on that one.  I know it, and it’s great . . . for now.

Perfection in the personal life?  I want to get over my mental issues.  Insanity, I kan haz itz.  Well, not really insanity, I don’ t think.  “Only the sane know they’re insane” as some of my friends say.  -shrugs-  All I know is that I have been diagnosed with two personality disorders, and have made strides to correct this . . .  without meds.  -nods-  So as I think of ways of how to apply perfection in my personal life, I hear the age old arguement “Perfection is unacheivable, and ultimately boring.”

Bah!  Perfection is acheivable, if one is willing to go the distance.  That’s right my friends, I said it.  Perfection is acheivable.  It’s all a matter of limits.  Where do you set yours?  Low, middle, or on the high end of the spectrum?  Me?  I generally set my limits high.  Impossibly high, and do everything I can to break them.  I don’t get tired of doing this.  For me, it’s arduous work indeed, but the journey is fun (if not stressful and aggravating) and the reward is legendary. 

-nods- Yup.

So what topics will I cover with this blog?  Well, this thing will ultimately be some sort of journal.  NSFW, Rated XXXXXXXXXXX, if there is such a thing.  I’m not aiming for spam, or a bunch of reviews for toys (if I can even do that). No, I’ll be covering an array of topics.  Gaming / geekiness, energy stuff, BDSM of course, and personal growth.  I’ll be updating on the weekends primarily as I work 80 – 100 hours for two weeks, averaging 90 hours.  Workin’ bear iz workin.